My Soul's Antidote

Worship heals my soul. 
It mends my heart without fail every time.

It is my vampire blood.

Simply the best remedy that can exist.

When I worship nothing else matters.

Nothing else exists, only He and I.

A connection becomes evident between me and my creator.

I remember what’s important.

There is nothing better to distract me from my own perceived misery,

than worshipping the engineer of the universe and knower of all things.

It withdraws the focus from what isn’t important.

And places it on what is.

It brings instant relief to my soul

And comfort to my mind and spirit.

Worship reminds me that I have a God, a friend...

Who is truly great. Awesome. Almighty. Powerful. In control.

What a faith booster!

I know worship is my way back.

I know worship will lead me home.

It is the path back to His heart.

It will without a doubt lead me straight to Him.

It reopens the door to communication.

The door to relationship… intimacy.

Worship is my map to a forgotten place.

My guide to that place I once knew.

Worship is an expression of everything I want to say and can’t.

Everything I want to show but am unable to.

Worship is where my comeback story begins.  

Dependency

Without You

I fall apart because you are what keeps me together.

I weaken because you are my strength.

I fear because you are my courage.

I lose my way because you are my guide.

Without You

I'm insecure because my confidence derives from you.

I drift because you are my anchor.

I'm apprehensive because my faith lies in you.

I anger because you are what soothes me.

Without You

I’m uneasy because you are my security.

I’m vulnerable because you are my protection.

I’m unsteady because you are my stability.

I’m stuck because you are my escape.

Without You

I am disheartened because you are what offers me hope.

I'm saddened because you are my reason for joy.

I’m dormant because you are what energizes me.

I’m callous because you inspire compassion.

Without You

I’m useless because you are what gives me purpose.

I’m empty because you are what fills me.

I’m withdrawn because you are my confidant.

I wither and ache because you are love and comfort.

Without You

I merely survive because you are what I lived for.

I'm unhappy because I need you.

I’m hungry because I crave you.

I’m not myself because without You I can’t be me.

Disconnected

One day you wake up to realize you no longer know what you’re living for.

You stop fighting because you don’t know what you’re fighting for.

You’ve forgotten what you’re working towards. What you’re trying to accomplish.

The reason you used to wake up each morning happy to be alive escapes you.

You’ve lost sight of what’s important.

You’ve lost sight of your purpose. 
It's because you’ve lost sight of who you are.

You see yourself fading. Your energy darkening.

You are distant and it shows. Others can tell.

They’re unsure of what’s changed… they just know something is different.

They tell you that you look sad. The smile has faded from your face.

They want to ask but are afraid to approach.

What good would it do? You would say you are fine.

Not because you want to deceive them, simply because they can’t help you.

You know exactly what’s wrong… what you need.

And you know where to get it.

Some people make suggestions to help you gain a sense of purpose, to fill the void.

You know that would never do it for you. The fix you’re craving is for something stronger.

It’s easy to think that you’ll be fine without it.

It’s easy to think you’ll continue to be the same person.

To think you’ll continue to be yourself.

But you can’t be yourself when lacking the component that makes you who you are.

You can’t remove the adhesive and expect to stay put together.

You can’t hide how detached and incomplete you are. You can’t pretend all is well.

You can’t lie to yourself, when you, more than anyone, notice the differences.

You run into it occasionally and are surprised at how natural it feels.
How overpowering it is. How well it fits. 
You wonder how you’ve been able to stay away for so long.

How have you been able to resist?

You need HIM:

The source of everything you lack.

The source of everything you’re missing.

For He is what defines you.

HE is what defines ME.

Selling Out

I've often wondered how Judas could betray Jesus the way he did.
How he could think 30 pieces of silver were more valuable?
How, knowing the terrible thing he anticipated doing, 
could he still hang around like nothing?
How could he trade EVERYTHING for NOTHING?
How could he hand over life for something so temporary?
How could he be so hypocritical? So shallow? So skewed?

So STUPID??


WHO DOES THAT??


It turns out...
Me.

It isn't easy to admit. I wanted to dismissed the idea altogether.
But I can't lie to myself.

Looking at the facts....

How many times have I engaged in premeditated transgressions?
I have knowingly betrayed Jesus. Planned and anticipated.
The implications known. Regardless, electing to be selfish.

I haven't wanted to hurt Him. I haven't wanted to be ungrateful.
But I've wanted to simply indulge.

Just once.
Maybe twice.
And then it's over and over again.


So who does that?


Apparently me. Probably most of us. And not just that. Maybe even worse.

Losing Yourself

It begins with a few acts that are "out of character." It's slightly shocking, maybe disappointing to yourself... to those who know you, but no cause for too much alarm. You feel guilty, perhaps a little ashamed, but it was stupid... acted impulsively, didn't think it through, failed to consider the consequences... You try not to be too hard on yourself; let it slide. After all, this ONE act, this ONE occasion doesn't define WHO YOU ARE.

Then the acts become MORE FREQUENT. Easier to OVERLOOK. New thoughts fill your mind, thoughts that justify, excuse these actions. The words you speak also begin to change.


The guilt lessens. It becomes easier to do. You suppress your better judgment. You silence your conscience.... try to ignore it altogether. The shame gradually begins to fade. You try not to feel it.


Suddenly what was once a strange reaction coming from you has now become natural. What started as a random act, an incident that stood alone has become routine. "Out of character" becomes who you are. You look at yourself, listen to yourself and wonder who this person is

But it's confusing because you know you aren't this person, at least you don't want to be. You observe yourself befalling into this unidentified creature. It makes you a little angry that you've allowed this to take place. But do you have what it takes to stop the transformation? The courage? The will? The desire?


Have you changed or has the real you simply emerged? Is this who you were all along? Was that other person just pretend? That other person takes work to be. This person simply is.